you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
