I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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