Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
