im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
