it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
