watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
