Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
BRING THE BAGELS
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
