Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
