at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
