Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
