Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
