so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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