the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
