We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
