I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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