So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
