she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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