you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
