She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
