I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
