i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
