Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
