i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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