Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
