Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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