She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
