she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
