1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Let's get the cat blown out
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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