i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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