apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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