Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
