it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
