he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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