If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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