We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I would fuck him just for his dog
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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