so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
