Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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