Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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