i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
