These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Thank you for not boning my boss.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
