Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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