I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
