At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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