Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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