so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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