Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
