I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
