Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
