Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We were destined to go to rehab together
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
