I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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