508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
