she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
