you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize