I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
