girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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