I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
