Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
