She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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