omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
