I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
