I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
