hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize