you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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