I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
