Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize