If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
