Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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