Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
