half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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